*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED