What in the hipster hell is going on here
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
One of the best
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
A wise man once said nothing.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*