“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
This is the one
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.