JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
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“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.