4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.