[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
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I’m pretty like a car crash.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.