I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
You Might Also Like
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”