I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Cucumbers Anonymous
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs