Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
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“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
never forget
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
What even happened today?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
why isn’t thunder called soundning