getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs