I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
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FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole