I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
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ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead