I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
A great tip. #CakeRex
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*