women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Feels
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.