hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The fall of Netflix
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.