Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Sounds like a bargain
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”