This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Still my favourite meme.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.