me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
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While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.