*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I only eat vegetarians.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
as is their right
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I drew y’all a little something.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”