I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
You Might Also Like
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed