this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
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Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Yes, but it was never about money
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]