IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
You Might Also Like
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts