God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
quarantine day 3
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
12653.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
For the ones in the back.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
how many bears make up a bear minimum
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.