3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
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[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”