we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
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GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.