[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
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If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.