email: CC
my brain: corn cob
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
black phone good
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
work smarter, not harder
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
wow he looks just like him
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.