Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO