The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
When you let grandma cat sit
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump