Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
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HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.