I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Finally a use for spoilers…
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]