Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
IT’S-A ME,
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over