My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
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ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
cry laughing at this shit
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
when mom throws a party…
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.