[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
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*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.