Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too