If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
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I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.