A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
You Might Also Like
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Taking phone security to the next level.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.