A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
You Might Also Like
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.