My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
i made a craigslist ad !
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Breaking news:
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Taco Bell, Exit 22
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”