Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice