realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
You Might Also Like
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
bro what is going on at twitter
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.