Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Terribly Tuesday.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
San Francisco has too many rules