Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
You Might Also Like
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
adding to the discourse
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?