I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
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Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Just me?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?