me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*