For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
how to market bottled water to dads
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars