me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Made something I’m not proud of
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.