The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.