Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.