“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
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Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.